Help Wanted (transcript)

SpongeBob: I was just... Patrick: No you’re not. You’re going to the Krusty Krab and get that job! SpongeBob: I can’t, don’t you see? I’m not good enough! Patrick: Who’s first words were, 'May I take your order?' SpongeBob: Mine were. Patrick: Who made a spatula out of toothpicks in wood shop? SpongeBob: I did. Patrick: Who’s a...(thinks hard)...uhh...who’s...who’s a big yellow cube with holes? SpongeBob: I am! Patrick: Who’s ready? SpongeBob: I’m ready! Patrick: Who’s ready? SpongeBob: I’m ready! Patrick: Who’s ready? SpongeBob: I’m ready!! (jogs to the Krusty Krab where we see Squidward wiping off a 'loser' painting on the doors) Squidward: Oh no, SpongeBob. What could he possibly want? SpongeBob: Go SpongeBob! Go SpongeBob! Go self! Go self! (Squidward notices the 'Help Wanted' sign on the window and runs to tell Mr. Krabs) Squidward: Ahh! Mr. Krabs! Mr. Krabs, before it’s too late, I gotta tell you about... (SpongeBob opens front doors) SpongeBob: Permission to come aboard, captain! I’ve been training my whole life for the day I could finally join the Krusty Krew, and now I’m ready. (trips and bounces everywhere then stops) So, uh, when do I start? Mr. Krabs: Well lad, it seems like you don’t even have your sea legs. SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs, please. I’ll prove I’m fry cook material. Ask Squidward, he’ll vouch for me. (Squidward takes Mr. Krabs into a private conversation) Squidward: No. (Mr. Krabs wink) Mr. Krabs: Well lad, we’ll give you a test and if you pass, you’ll be on the Krusty Krew! Go fetch me a hydro-dynamic spatula with, uhh, port and starboard attachments, and turbo drive! And don’t come back till you get one! (puts a Krusty Krab hat on SpongeBob. SpongeBob looks in the mirror to admire it) SpongeBob: Aye aye, captain! (reads list off notepad) One hydrodynamic spatula, port and starboard attachments, turbo drive, coming right up sir! Mr. Krabs: Carry on lad! We’ll never see that lubber again. Squidward: You’re terrible! A hydro-what? (both start laughing then Mr. Krabs hears a sound) Mr. Krabs: That sounded like hatch doors! (Mr. Krabs sniffs something) Do you smell it? That smell. The kind of smelly smell. The smelly smell that smells… smelly. (wide eyed) Anchovies. Squidward: What? Mr. Krabs: Anchovies! (anchovies swarm in and surround the boat) Squidward: Please, please, quiet! Is this any way to behave, hmmm? Anchovy: Meep! Squidward: Could we show a little decency and form a neat, single file line in front of the register? (anchovies pick up and boat and sway it side to side) SpongeBob: Barg’ N-Mart: Meeting All Your Spatula Needs. Squidward: One single file line was all I asked! Mr. Krabs: Button down the hatches, Mr. Squidward. (thrown up again) We’re taking on water, Mr. Squidward. (thrown up again) I want my mommy, Mr. Squidward! SpongeBob: Spatula, spatula, port-and-starboard attachments. Mr. Krabs: Climb, Mr. Squidward! Climb! )both climb the wooden poll to the top where the anchovies can't reach them) Well, this is the end. Good-bye, Mr. Squidward! Squidward: Oh Mr. Krabs! (red light flashes as SpongeBob comes flying in with his spatula) SpongeBob: Did someone order a spatula? (Mr. Krabs and Squidward question each other on the confusion) One hydro-dynamic spatula with... (two spatulas come from the side of the actual spatula) ...port and starboard attachments, and let’s not forget the turbo drive! (pushes a button and the 2 side spatulas slap Mr. Krabs and Eugenes around and around) Could you believe they only had one in stock? To the kitchen! (to anchovies) Who’s hungry? (Loving in the Moonlight song plays while SpongeBob makes a lot of patties) Mr. Krabs: That was the greatest fast-foodsmenship I’ve ever seen, Mr. SquarePants! Welcome aboard! (puts a name tag on SpongeBob) Squidward: But Mr. Krabs... Mr. Krabs: Three cheers for SpongeBob! Hip-hip! Squidward: Hooray, Mr. Kr... Mr. Krabs: Hip-Hip! Squidward: Hooray, Mr... Mr. Krabs: Hip-hip! Squidward: Hooray, Mr. Krabs! Mr. Krabs: I’ll be in my quarters, counting the booty. (takes his wheelbarrow full of money to the back. Then Patrick walks in) Patrick: Good morning, Krusty Krew! Squidward: What would you like to order, Patrick? Patrick: One krabby patty, please. (SpongeBob flies back to the kitchen and throws patties at Patrick) Squidward: Mr. Krabs! Mr. Krabs! Mr. Krabs, come see your new employee! End
 * Narrator: Ah, the sea. So fascinating. So wonderful. Here, we see Bikini Bottom, seeming with life. Home to one of my favorite creatures, SpongeBob SquarePants. Yes, of course he lives in a pineapple, you silly. (SpongeBob is sleeping when his alarm goes off. He turns it off.)
 * SpongeBob: Today’s the big day, Gary! (climbs a ladder)
 * Gary: Meow!
 * SpongeBob: Look at me! I’m naked! (jumps off the board and lands into his pants then walks over to stuffed animal weight lifting set.) Gotta be in top physical condition for today, Gary.
 * Gary: Meow! (SpongeBob inhales deeply then lifts the weight slowly eventually getting it up then throwing it back down)
 * SpongeBob: I’m ready! (runs out of house and on to the Krusty Krab) I’m ready. I’m ready. I’m ready. I'm ready.
 * Patrick: Go SpongeBob! (falls off rock and into big hole)
 * SpongeBob: There it is. The finest eating establishment ever established for eating. The Krusty Krab: Home of the Krabby Patty. With a ‘Help Wanted’ sign in the window! For years I’ve been dreaming of this moment! I’m gonna go in there, march straight to the manager, look ‘em straight in the eye, lay it on the line and…I can’t do this! (runs back but runs into Patrick) Patrick!
 * Patrick: Where do you think you’re going?