Plankton! (transcript)

Squidward: One Krabby Patty for table two. SpongeBob, I don’t have the whole day.

SpongeBob: Oui, oui. Un Krabby Patty, Monsieur. First, les patty. (flips patty in air and through one of his holes)

Squidward: Come on, SpongeBob!

SpongeBob: Next, les ingredients. Ah, whee! (catches food all around his body) Les mustard. (squirts some in eye)

Squidward: Les quit fooling around, where’s my Krabby Patty?

SpongeBob: Les hold on a second! (takes his head off and shakes it then puts it back on) And voila. (pulls out a Krabby Patty under Squidward's nose) It’s under your nose! (laughs)

Squidward: You’re killing me SpongeBob! Ha ha ha ha...you really are.

SpongeBob: Look at it, Squidward. Mr. Krabs gift to all of Bikini Bottom, the Krabby Patty.

Squidward: Ok, give it to me. (patty jumps off plate and climbs all over the kitchen stuff) Come on SpongeBob, stop it!

SpongeBob: I swear, I’m not doing anything! Mr. Krabs! The Krabby Patty is haunted! (Mr. Krabs stabs the patty with his leg)

Mr. Krabs: Alas, ye patty pirate! This is no ghost. This is Plankton! Stealing me booty!

Plankton: Hear me Krabs. When I discover your formula for Krabby Patties, I’ll run you out of business. I went to college! (picks up Plankton) Hey! Let me go!

Mr. Krabs: I’ll let you go all right, squirt. On a flying saucer! (puts Plankton on a plate throws the plate back to the Chum Bucket) Back to the Chum Bucket with you!

Plankton: You’ll pay for this Krabs!

SpongeBob: Uhh...Plankton, sir?

Mr. Krabs: Aye, he’s been trying to steal me secret formula for years. But you haven’t got it yet, have ye bug? Ok. (SpongeBob laughs) Enough lad, it wasn’t that funny. (SpongeBob laughs more) Get back to work! (stops laughing)

SpongeBob: Ok Mr Krabs, see you tomorrow!

Mr. Krabs: Good night, me boy!

Plankton: Psst...young man. (SpongeBob looks around) Yes, over here. Come on boy, a little closer. (walks forward) Closer... (walks closer) Not that close! (steps on Plankton, Plankton screams]Ahh! You blasted barnacle head! I mean, hi!

SpongeBob: Plankton? What do you want?

Plankton: I just want to talk. You could say we’re friends, right?

SpongeBob: Umm...no.

Plankton: Acquaintances?

SpongeBob: No.

Plankton: Well, we’re both invertebrates, aren’t we?

SpongeBob: I guess so.

Plankton: You see? Everything works out. I have something for you. I’ve been keeping it in my secret compartment. (takes out a golden spatula) Ching! Sparkle, sparkle.

SpongeBob: Wow! A golden spatula! And its even got my name on it!

Plankton: It’s a gift! A gift from a friend. (hugs SpongeBob’s thumb) Friends give each other gifts. And tomorrow is my birthday. (puts on a birthday hat and on SpongeBob’s thumb and takes out a cake) And you know what I’d like more than anything in the whole wide world? (blows out the candles)

SpongeBob: A booster seat?

Plankton: Booster seat? Hot dog! I mean, no. What I want for my birthday from you my friend, is one of those tender...delicious...Krabby Patties!

SpongeBob:[gasps] You just want to be friends so you can get your hands on a Krabby Patty! And I bet it’s not even your birthday tomorrow.

Plankton: Gee, and I thought you were stupid.

SpongeBob: You’ll never get a Krabby Patty from me, even if we are friends! Never, never, never, never!

Plankton: Oh, I’ll get a Krabby Patty and you’re going to hand-deliver it to me personally! You weak-minded fool! (takes out a record player and plays evil music and laughs along with it)

SpongeBob: Good night, Gary.

Gary: Meow. (SpongeBob goes to sleep then Plankton jumps up as a flower on SpongeBob’s bed)

Plankton: SpongeBob, you will be mine! (pulls out the record player and laughs with it but instead it plays the ABC’s. Plankton flips the record and laughs again then pulls out a map of a brain while in SpongeBob’s head) It should be in here somewhere...but where? (standing on the brain) Where? Oh. This will be the beginning of the end! (SpongeBob turns over on his left side and the brain rolls over Plankton) Ouch! Stupid brain. Come back here you swine! (SpongeBob rolls around a couple more times until the brain stops and Plankton tapes it down) That’s it brain, you’re going down! Yes, yes, that’s grand. (takes out some blueprints) And now, for my very elaborate and college-educated plan. (Plankton puts the antenna in SpongeBob’s brain) And now it’s time for a little wakey-uppy. (Plankton touches the 'total control' button with his foot that tells SpongeBob to wake up)

SpongeBob: Morning already? (Plankton shifts the controls to where SpongeBob’s legs are at his side) I...I feel a little funny today.

Plankton: I have you now! (SpongeBob walks to the kitchen)

SpongeBob: Time for a well-balanced breakfast. (crashes through the wall and through the fridge) This isn’t what I had in mind. (walks toward his pants) Let me just grab my pants. (runs into pants but doesn’t put them on) I guess I’m not wearing any pants today. (crashes through the wall) I guess I’m not using the door either. See you later Gary…I guess.

Gary: Meow.

SpongeBob: You’re right, Gary! There is something wrong with me! Squidward! Squidward! Wake up! I need some help! Squidward! Help!

Squidward: Be quiet, SpongeBob! (crashes through Squidward’s wall)

SpongeBob: Help!

Squidward: SpongeBob! What are you doing? I’m talking to you! SpongeBob! (SpongeBob crashes through the opposite wall then turns head) SpongeBob, are you mad?

Plankton: Shut your mouth, you mediocre clarinet player.

Squidward: Mediocre?

Plankton: You pretentious little insignificant artist. Your snidely creations are worth less than a protozoa’s waste!

SpongeBob: Something must be wrong with my brain! (rolls his eyes to the back of his head and notices Plankton) Plankton! What kind of friend are you?

Plankton: Nonsense. You never liked me anyway. You wouldn’t even come to my birthday party!

SpongeBob: Get out of my head! Leave me brain alone! Never! Never! (laughs evilly and walks out backwards. SpongeBob walks through Patrick’s rock and then onto the Krusty Krab)

Plankton: How about a little take-out!

SpongeBob: No, never! You can’t fool me Plankton, you want the Krabby Patty secret formula! (walks into the Chum Bucket)

Plankton: You are going to hand it over to me personally!

SpongeBob: No, no, no! There’s no one here.

Plankton: Don’t remind me. Brace yourself SpongeBob, this is my lab! (walks into a room with a video of a Labrador Retriever then walk into Plankton's laboratory) And this is my laboratory! And did I ever show you my record player? (pulls it out and plays dramatic music)

SpongeBob: I must fight! (tries to break free but can’t)

Plankton: No, no, no. There, you see how much easier it is when you help, friend? How do you like my analyzer? It tells the ingredients of whatever I put into it. (a mechanical arm puts in some seaweed in the analyzer)

Computer: Seaweed: 50% Sea; 50% Weed. (picture of the seaweed appears)

Plankton: Impressed? Now let’s reveal that secret formula. (pulls the lever forward making a couple of SpongeBob’s fingers slip off) And this little piggy brought home a Krabby Patty. (more fingers let go of the patty) This little piggy will help me drop it in. Any last words, SpongeBob SecretPants?

SpongeBob: I just have to say I’m sorry I let Mr Krabs down. I let all of Bikini Bottom down. But worst of all, I let you down, you delicate little Krabby Patty.

Plankton: Mmm.

SpongeBob: With your tasty, juicy, scrumptious, warm, steamy goodness.

Plankton: Steamy... (a real patty is shown being created)

SpongeBob: I’ll never forget your 100% all-secret patty, secretly assembled with undersea cheese, pickles, lettuce, tomato, onion, all secretly steamed between two fluffy seaweed-sea buns. (Plankton drools) Plankton: Yes…yes…yes!! (jumps at the patty) Come to poppa! (Plankton bounces off the patty and goes in the analyzer) Oh boy.

'''Computer: Plankton: 1% Evil, 99% Hot Gas. (shows Plankton on the screen)

Plankton: Well this stinks.

SpongeBob: Well patty, I guess we can go home now.

Plankton: SpongeBob, that’s my Krabby Patty! (SpongeBob walks out and the doors swing open and close a few times) Give it back you porous freak! I command you! My patty! No!! I’ll settle for some fries.