Naughty Nautical Neighbors (transcript)

Squidward: Wow. Squidward, this is the best soufflé you have ever created. Congratulations, chef! (gets dressed off screen by taking a shower, gargling, and brushing his teeth. Comes out in a tuxedo and sits down but he hears giggling coming from outside. He goes to check on it and notices SpongeBob and Patrick playing with bubbles. SpongeBob whispers into the bubble and it floats right next to Patrick's head and pops) SpongeBob Bubble: Hi Patrick. (Patrick giggles as he whispers into a bubble and sends it over to SpongeBob where it pops)

Patrick Bubble: Hi SpongeBob. (SpongeBob giggles as Squidward gets irritated and makes a bubble of his own from the liquid of his soufflé. SpongeBob whispers into another bubble) SpongeBob: (whispering into bubble) Patrick, you’re my best friend in the whole neighborhood. (bubble floats over but is interrupted when Squidward whispers into his "bubble". Squidward's bubble pops SpongeBob's bubble by kicking it. Squidward's bubble floats over to Patrick and pops)

Squidward Bubble: Patrick, you are the dumbest idiot it has ever been my misfortune to know. (Patrick frowns then sends a bubble over to SpongeBob)

Patrick Bubble: Do you really think that, SpongeBob?

SpongeBob: (whispering into the bubble) Of course, Patrick. Anyone with eyes can see that. (bubble floats over to Patrick and pops. Then another bubble floats back over to SpongeBob)

Patrick Bubble: Yeah? Well I think you’re ugly. (another bubble comes over and pops) Yellow is ugly! (2 other bubbles, but smaller, floats over and pops and gives SpongeBob a raspberry.)

SpongeBob: (whispering into the bubble) Patrick, what are you talking about? (bubble floats over to Patrick. One of Squidward's bubbles floats over to SpongeBob and pops)

Squidward Bubble: SpongeBob, I no longer wish to know you. (SpongeBob gasps) You give bottom dwellers a bad name. (Squidward creates a bunch more. One floats over to SpongeBob) If I had a dollar for every brain you don’t have, I’d have one dollar. (Squidward laughs. Another bubble floats over to Patrick) Hey Patrick, I heard there was a job opening down at the pet shop...as some newspaper!

Patrick: (stands up and yells at SpongeBob) Well that makes you a big dummy, you dummy!

SpongeBob: (stands up and yells at Patrick) Yeah, well that means that, uhh...so are you!

Patrick: Well, you’re a turkey!

SpongeBob: What’s that? (at this point, Squidward comes out with a lawn chair and his soufflé)

Patrick: It’s what you are!

SpongeBob: Well you’re a bigger one!

Patrick: Well you’re still yellow! And you know what else is yellow?

SpongeBob: What?

Patrick: You are!

SpongeBob: Oh yeah? Well it doesn’t matter what you call me, ‘cause I never wanna see you again anyway! (SpongeBob goes back inside through the back door and turns around) Aww, tarter sauce! (shuts door as Patrick opens his rock and slams it on himself and comes up all squished and sounding like an accordion. Squidward laughs a lot and puts the soufflé and fork in his mouth. He chokes on the fork and turns a deeper shade of blue as the letter "K" appears in his left eye and the letter "O" appears in his right eye and flashes appears. Squidward passes out)

Patrick: Wow, Squidward, you’re choking! (runs over to Squidward) Uhh...uhh, I know what to do, but I should wash my hands first. Oh, well. (takes a big, deep breath and does CPR on Squidward. As he is doing this, each one of Squidward's tentacles suction cups pops up. Eventually, the fork comes out and Patrick grabs it) I win!

Squidward: Wow! Patrick, you saved me!

Patrick: I did?

Squidward: Yup! You’re a real lifesaver, friend! (shakes Patrick's hands)

Patrick: Friend? (holds Squidward) Friend...

Squidward: Yeah, Patrick, we’re friends (steps back),just friends. (both notice SpongeBob in his window gazing down with a blank stare)

Patrick: So what’re we gonna do tonight, best friend? (walks with Squidward over to the Easter island head)

Squidward: Well, I was going to practice my clarinet solo.

Patrick: Clarinet? I love music!

SpongeBob: Ahh, who needs them? They’re no fun anyway, right, Gary? Gary? (knocks on his shell)

Squidward: Squidward will be performing his version of Solitude in E minor.

Patrick: (sitting on a bench as he claps) Yeah! E minor! All right! Yeah! (Squidward takes a deep breath and plays a note but Patrick falls asleep as soon as he starts playing. Squidward gets angry)

SpongeBob: Ah, what am I worried about? I got plenty of friends! I can name three right off the bat! (holds up three fingers) Uhh... (draws faces on each finger) The gangs all here... (starts to cry as we see Squidward dragging Patrick, still asleep, outside. Squidward breaks his back after dragging Patrick a few feet)

Squidward: My back! I threw out my back! (SpongeBob notices)

SpongeBob: Oh, boy, now’s my chance! (jumps out the window)

Squidward: SpongeBob? No, no, stay back!

SpongeBob: (running) Don’t worry, Squidward! I’m coming!

Squidward: No, no, no, get away from me!

SpongeBob: Hang on! I’ll save you! (SpongeBob rips off his suit revealing a speedo underneath. Squidward tries to get to his door)

Squidward: No, no! Get away from me! No, no! (SpongeBob jumps off a diving board)

SpongeBob: Hold on!

Squidward: No, no! Get away! (screaming as SpongeBob dives into his back cracking it back into place) Oh! I’m ruined! I'm...I’m...I’m...I-I feel great! Thanks, SpongeBob! You’re a real friend! (SpongeBob smiles big)

SpongeBob: Friend...

Squidward: N-no, no, no, I didn’t mean that, no-no.

SpongeBob: Don’t worry, Squidy old pal. That’s what friends are for. (Squidward and SpongeBob walk into the Easter island head) So dumb Patrick fell asleep on ya, huh? Some friend. A real friend would perform for you!

Squidward: You play?

SpongeBob: Are you kidding? I’ve been playing bassinet for years! (he takes one from the wall) Give me an A, buddy

Music: Squidward, My Friend Squidward is my best friend in the world. Squidward is my best friend in the sea. Squidward likes Patrick more than SpongeBob. And Patrick is a dirty stinky, rotten filthy friend stealer! SpongeBob: Umm, I can fix this. (Squidward is steaming red and throws SpongeBob out) So, uhh, I’ll see you tomorrow, Squidward! Call me!

Squidward: Yech! That was disgusting! I feel like I need to scrub myself. (opens up the curtain and screams after he sees Patrick in his tub)

Patrick: Hey, buddy. I warmed it up for ya. (shows him a brush and soap)

Squidward: Patrick! Get out! And put some clothes on! (SpongeBob peeks in through the upstairs window)

SpongeBob: What’s the matter, Squidward, old buddy? (notices Patrick in the bath-tub) Oh, ho-ho, so this is what I find, huh? My best friend and my ex-best friend and... (shown bath toys) …rubber bath toys! (SpongeBob & Patrick argue as Squidward runs away)

Squidward: Ahh! This can’t be happening to me!

SpongeBob & Patrick: Squidward?!

SpongeBob: Buddy?!

Patrick: Squidward?!

SpongeBob: Where'd ya go, friend?

Patrick: Where are ya, ol' buddy?

Squidward: (in a trash-can) Oh, this is nuts! I need a plan to get those two back together and out of my hair!

SpongeBob: (reading a magazine as the doorbell rings a letter is pushed under the door. Then he smells it) Squidward. (opens it) A dinner party? I’d love to! (SpongeBob knocks on Squidward's door and Squidward opens it) Did you miss me?

Squidward: Come on in! You look stunning. (shuts door)

SpongeBob: I’d much rather dine with you than that lousy... (gasps when he sees Patrick) Say, what gives? I’m not sitting near that maniac!

Patrick: Me neither! This was a setup!

Squidward: I thought you two were my best friends.

SpongeBob & Patrick: I am your best friend!

Squidward: (takes out a bottle of soda) Well, how about some soda, guys? (SpongeBob shows him his glass)

SpongeBob: Yes, please! (Squidward gives him some soda) Thanks, friend. (flicks Squidward's nose)

Patrick: How about some for your best friend? (SpongeBob gets the soda instead of Patrick)

SpongeBob: Thanks, best friend! (drinks)

Patrick: Can I have some now, buddy?

SpongeBob: Wait, I need some more! (pours SpongeBob another glass)

Patrick: I still didn’t get any! (SpongeBob gives Patrick his soda)

SpongeBob: There ya go. More please! (Squidward fills his glass as SpongeBob drinks it really fast)

Patrick: (shows Squidward his glass) Squidward!

SpongeBob: (shows Squidward his glass) Squidward!

Patrick: (shows Squidward his glass) Hey, Squidward!

SpongeBob: (shows Squidward his glass) Squidward!

Patrick: (shows Squidward his glass) Squidward! (shows Squidward his glass again but it's still full) Hey, Squidward!

Squidward: Patrick, your glass is full.

Patrick: Oh, yeah...

SpongeBob: (shows Squidward his glass) Squidward!

Patrick: (shows Squidward his glass) Hey, Squidward!

SpongeBob: (shows Squidward his glass) Squidward!

Patrick: (shows Squidward his glass) Squidward!

SpongeBob: (shows Squidward his glass) Squidward!

Patrick: (shows Squidward his glass) Hey, Squidward!

SpongeBob: (shows Squidward his glass) Squidward!

Patrick: (shows Squidward his glass) Hey, Squidward!

SpongeBob: (shows Squidward his glass) Squidward!

Patrick: (shows Squidward his glass) Squidward!

SpongeBob: (shows Squidward his glass) Squidward!

Patrick: (shows Squidward his glass) Hey, Squidward!

SpongeBob & Patrick: (both show Squidward their glass) Squidward!

Squidward: Sorry, boys, I’m all out of pop. I’m gonna go get some more. (walks away) Why don’t you just stay here and chat? (closes door. Then we are shown SpongeBob and Patrick not wanting to look at each other. Then SpongeBob hiccups and a bubble floats up and pops that sounds like a burp. Both of them laugh and the entire house is full of bubbles as Squidward walks up to his door. Then a crashing sound is heard) I should just walk away right now. (opens door to find his house destroyed) What a surprise... I invited them in, and I left them alone. Well, Squidward, what have we learned today? (pieces around the door break)

SpongeBob: Guess what, Squidward? (both hug)

Patrick: Me and SpongeBob are friends again!

Squidward: Great. Go be friends somewhere else.

SpongeBob: Don’t you want us to help you clean this up a little?

Squidward: NO! Out! (both walk out)

SpongeBob: Psst, I think he’s jealous.

Patrick: How pathetic. (Squidward shuts door hard and when he turns around the door falls on his back)

Squidward: Oh, my back!